Some BDSM terminology:
- 24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.
- Animal transformation fantasy: Fantasy in which the focus is on the sub entering the altered mindspace of a different species, typically a dog, pony or horse.
- Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).
- Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality. BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to sub drop as these return to more everyday levels.
- Age play: Usually referring to Daddy/daughter or Mommy/baby role play. Does not usually include or imply aspects of incest, but rather the nurturing relationship of Parent/child or Teacher/student.
- Anal torture: The BDSM practice of inflicting pain on the anus.
- Animal Play: The sub acts or dresses like an animal (puppy, pony, cow, etc.).
- BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism
- Bottom: submissive or one who gives up control, or simply one who receives physical sensation from a Top in a scene.
- Breath Control: The Dom controls the sub's breathing.
- Butt plug: Much like a dildo, only shaped slightly differently. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate.
- CBT: Cock and ball torture
- Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned (usually in a loving intimate relationship)
- Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dom, of a sub's service. Also the Ceremony when a Dom commits to a sub (much like a wedding).
- Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene
- Contract: A written-out agreement between the Dom/me & sub. It can be either formal or non, and is usually written after much negotiation by the Dom/me and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two . It is NOT legally binding but should be taken seriously.
- DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who volunteers to supervise the interactions between participants at a play party to ensure their safety.
- Dom: Man who takes control (from Dominant)
- Dominant (dom/domme) (also dominatrix)
- Domme: Female who takes control (contraction of dominatrix)
- D/s: Domination/submission
- Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space
- Edgeplay: SM play involving blood, permanent marking, knives, or fire, sometimes with a greater risk of danger.
Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities,
- especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub. But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that subdrop does not occur afterwards as the body returns to normal.
- Erotic sexual denial: keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. Also see tease and denial and chastity.
- Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object.
- Fire play: Using flammable liquids to create quick, fleeting instances of flame on the skin of the bottom. Risk of injury is increased and the Top should be learned with fire play skills.
- Genitorture: Torture of the genitals
- Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.
- Gorean: A BDSM sub-genre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman.
- Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do, usually non-negotiable.
- Harem: A group of subs serving one or more Dom/mes.
- Infantilism: Parent/child or parent/baby role playing.
- Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.
- Limits: What someone "won't" do or is hesitant to do
- Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.
- Masochist: Person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.
- Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important. Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.
- Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a vanilla place. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's"
- Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.
- Newbie: Someone new to BDSM.
- OTK: Over the knee (spanking).
- Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.
- Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in Scenes.
- ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money)
- ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money)
- Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.
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The following are my opinions and my attempt to put into words, my feeling and ideas about BDSM. It should be understood that my perspective is that of a Dominant hetero male with some years of experience
So let me put a definition of BDSM to you
BDSM is a term which describes a number of related patterns of human sexual behavior. The major sub-groupings are described in the abbreviation "BDSM" itself:
- Bondage & Discipline refers to two activities: Bondage being tying, chaining, hand- cuffing, gagging or any other way of restraining your partner. Discipline refers to some form of chastisement or punishment; often spanking, caning, paddling or similar.
- Dominance & Submission refers to a relationship where one partner is dominant, or controlling, and the other partner is submissive, or controlled in some way. Often this plays itself out as the submissive partner serving, or catering for, the needs and desires of the dominant partner.
- Sadism & Masochism refers to activities which often explore the erotic aspects of pain; even such simple things as nipple tweaking or pinching
BDSM is as varied as the people who do it. Statistics show that a large percentage of couples dabble in areas, which could be defined as BDSM. It could be something as simple as a light spanking, blindfolding their partner, or tying their partner's hands behind their back during lovemaking. Also many people simply get a rush from being controlled or from taking control of their partner in some way, even if it's just taking the roles of, say, teacher and schoolgirl as a form of foreplay. Something as simple as requesting a partner wears certain items of clothing while involved in a sexual encounter would fall within the realm of BDSM
Many of the specific practices in BDSM are those which, if performed in neutral or nonsexual contexts, could be considered unpleasant, undesirable, or abusive. For example, pain, physical restraint and servitude are traditionally inflicted on persons against their will and to their detriment. In BDSM, however, these activities are engaged in with the mutual consent of the participants, and typically for mutual enjoyment. It must be noted however that in Victoria, Australia consent is not a mitigating excuse in an assault case.
BDSM is not about abuse. Abuse is when there is NO consent for the activities involving the partner. Someone who uses fear of punishment, or threats, or psychological manipulation to control their partner is abusing their partner. Abuse can be simply not being able to say no and have it respected; BDSM is where the limits are set by the submissive.
A common phrase in the BDSM community is: safe, sane & consensual. One of the things which this means is that we do what we do with the consent of our partner and after negotiation. Part of the negotiation involves how to say no.
There are, unfortunately, many relationships where one partner abuses the other partner. This need not be only a physical form of abuse such as punching or striking but can be mental in nature. It is common for an abuser to focus on the insecurities of their partner, such as their weight, height or even the size of their feet, to attack and abuse their partner. This form of abuse is dehumanising, degrading, humiliating, soul-destroying and often, from personal experience, by far the most difficult abuse to deal with and overcome.
But in BDSM the goal is not to bring your partner down. We want our partners to grow, to feel happy, satisfied, healthy and fulfilled, and to go with us and explore the avenues of BDSM by creating an environment where both parties are able to grow and develop in a relationship of caring trust and respect..
This emphasis on informed consent and safety is also known as SSC safe, sane and consensual. in essence, the terms refer to all participants acknowledging and accepting some level of risk.
For simplicity’s sake I will refer to non BDSM as Vanilla or 'nilla activities.
So what do I think are the most important factors in a good BDSM relationship?
- Trust and honesty: BOTH parties to a relationship need to be able to speak honestly about their feelings and desires and to trust their partner to accept and understand them without judgment.
- Communication: In my opinion one of the biggest advantages of a BDSM relationship over a vanilla one is the level of communication. When we are involved in physical activities such as spanking or flogging, there is a need to communicate more explicitly.
To be continued..... 
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